Iconoclastically yours!

I am not playing anymore! Got that?

Iconoclasticallly yours by www.iconoclasticallyyours.com is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License

Do you ever feel like you are manipulated? I said this before, but Deborah, my oldest daughter, is addicted to a game called “The Sims”. Don’t even ask, this is not my thing, OK? But sometimes, I wonder if we are not, you know the humans – even though I sometimes have a hard time finding something human in us -, the most sophisticated game in the universe, and if some darn kid from another planet is having a ball with me and my life! Do you ever feel that way? Because I do!

Someone told me not long ago that if my life was a quiet river, I would not have anything to write about! Choices, choices! But why does everything have always to be so difficult? I mean, I am not trying to be a cry-baby, far from that! But in the last two weeks:
My baby girl, my Jeep Wrangler, – what did you think I was going to talk about? – had its roof blown away by a freaking pipe in a freaking garage in Alexandria. I know it, that pipe was waiting for me. It was hanging like 3 inches down compared to the other one, and was already licking its lips waiting for my roof! How do I know it? I saw it in its eyes! The good side of it is that my baby girl is going to have a brand new roof. It’s going to look so pretty. Of course, after that, it needs to go to the doctor because it just vibrates like if I were some kind of lettuce in a salad spinner when it reaches 50 miles per hour. At 45 it’s ok and at 55 it is too. Go to explain to a cop that I can’t do 50! Lost battle right there!

The day before my movers from Russia came, my computer crashed. Not really, it just decided not to wake up anymore. I bet it was laughing out loud while I was screaming out loud! Not today pleaaase, come back to me baby y, don’t die on me yet! Don’t look at the bright lights in the tunnel and come back to planet Earth! Of course, it did not listen to me. I took it to a shop where the guy tries to screw me over by selling me a used computer and trying to keep my old one, I guess to play with it, and sell it back! Then, not content with this, he did not give me back my original hard drive, and I just gave him hell today about it! Is there something written with invisible ink on my forehead telling people that I can be mentally tortured?

I am not done yet! I can’t watch TV anymore and if any of you ever send me a picture of an alligator or a pelican covered with oil, it’s going to have a boomerang effect, I am telling you! I do not want to see any more pictures of it. Call me coward, call me whatever you want, but there is one sure thing, BP won’t have a dime from me anymore. I will walk in the desert instead of driving if the only gas station is a BP one. You got that BP?
Oh, and I was going to forget about Craigslist! Before moving, I wanted to get rid of two couches. I am downsizing, and I had to decide between keeping the mutts or the sectional couches. Bingo! You already know the answer, right? Got the mutts on Craigslist! A guy e-mailed me for the couches, free to good home, and told me how desperate he was for couches, and I just melted! The son of a bitch, sorry Lola – Lola is my yellow lab, mother of the mutts -. I was saying the son of a bitch came in his work van! He is one of those guys who are getting the films out of the cameras for the speed traps in Montgomery County! He was so happy and took all the pillows from both couches, and told me he was coming back with his wife and his pick up truck! Yeah right! After 20 e-mails, phone calls, and his mail box full of my messages, I finally realized that he was a son of a bitch, and that I had to kill the remaining of the couches, right there in front of me. I called my trash company and they did a special trip for them. When I saw them coming with a regular trash truck, I sighed “my luck” How were they going to fit those in the truck?” You know what; I now look at these trucks with so much respect! The guy laughed at me when he saw how concerned I was. The truck had already swallowed a boat and its trailer, and a small car. The next trip after me was for sodas machines! I saw my couches being crushed and crushed and then they just disappear in the monstrous stomach of Monstro the whale! My couches were not supposed to be killed, they were supposed to have kids or dogs taking them over, but a jerk named Larry changed the direction of their lives. Thanks Larry! You are a jerk to remember!

Of course, I could also talk about my ex landlord, but I do think that his sleaziness deserves a whole column, just for him, did you hear this Don?

Today is a brand new day in Muttsville, and besides the fact that Jackson is still totally obsessed with Bud Light, it is going to be a beautiful day, and I am hoping that the little brat from another planet has been extremely bad and that his parents took away his game “My pet human”. Did you hear that brat?

Iconoclastically yours,
Dominique